Ask for It: The most underrated skill in birth work — and in life

People find out I started a nonprofit and they look at me like I just told them I climbed Everest. "How did you do that?" they ask. "That must have been so hard."

Honestly? I didn't know it was supposed to be hard. So I just did it.

That's not false modesty. I genuinely didn't walk into it with a mental list of obstacles. I needed something to exist, I figured out the steps to make it exist, and I took them. Nobody told me to be intimidated, so I wasn't.

I think about this a lot when doulas ask me how I've built what I've built. How did I get volunteers? How did I get discounts on training materials? How did I get speakers to show up, partnerships to form, hospitals to return my calls?

I asked.

That's it. That's the whole answer. I asked.

The ask is the thing

We spend an enormous amount of energy pre-rejecting ourselves. We decide before we ever open our mouths that the answer is going to be no. We talk ourselves out of sending the email, making the call, walking up to the person. We protect ourselves from a rejection that hasn't even happened yet.

And then we watch someone else ask — and get exactly what we were too afraid to request — and we think: how did they do that?

They did it by asking.

I have gotten discounts I had no right to expect. I have gotten yeses from people who had every reason to say no. I have gotten support, resources, referrals, and opportunities — not because I was special or connected or had something extraordinary to offer, but because I asked clearly, directly, and without a lot of apologizing for the fact that I had a need.

Sometimes people say no. That's fine. No is information. No means try somewhere else, try a different approach, try again later. No has never killed me.

But yes? Yes has built my entire career.

What this has to do with you

If you're a doula — especially a new one — I want you to hear this:

Ask for the hospital tour. Ask the midwife if you can shadow her. Ask the lactation consultant if she'd be willing to do a knowledge share. Ask the potential client if they'd like to hear more about what you offer. Ask for the discount on the certification you can't quite afford. Ask if there's a scholarship. Ask if there's a payment plan.

Ask to be on the panel. Ask to be listed in the directory. Ask to be considered.

The worst thing that happens is nothing changes. The best thing that happens is everything does.

You are not bothering people by asking. You are giving them the opportunity to say yes — and a lot of them are waiting for exactly that chance.

Case in point

I was teaching a class at the United Way. I had a 40-week uterus model and thought it would be funny — and genuinely useful — to stuff it up my shirt to show people what full term actually looks like from the inside out. I asked someone there to film it.

They posted it.

1.5 million views on TikTok.

I asked. That's it. I didn't have a production team or a content strategy or a ring light. I had a uterus model, a room full of people, and the audacity to say hey, can you get this on video?

That's the whole thing.

The nonprofit thing

Since people always bring it up: yes, I started a nonprofit. Yes, it serves Indigenous and underserved communities in Arizona. Yes, it took paperwork and time and intention.

But the reason it exists is not because I had some rare gift for nonprofit development. It exists because I saw a need, I thought someone should do something about that, and then I decided that someone was me. And then I asked for help. And people helped.

You are allowed to just decide to do the thing. You are allowed to not know how hard it's supposed to be. Ignorance of the obstacles is sometimes the greatest asset you have.

Ask for what you want. Build what needs to exist. Don't wait for permission.

The answer might be yes.